Day One.

This is not day one, but for all intensive purposes, we’ll call it day one. Really, this is day one thousand, day one million that I, EPD, have spent toiling away trying to find a job as a Funeral Director’s Apprentice. Please don’t think I haven’t tried. I’ve cold called, cold emailed, walked in and handed over my resume, replied to job postings for experienced professionals, had interviews with multiple funeral homes and first call businesses, even offered to work for free and still I find myself unable to obtain employment.

I’m starting to think I’m doing something wrong. Jobs are posting for applicants, and I am applying. My field is relatively small and inaccessible unless you’ve gone to school, and there were only 30 of us – most of which have already flown home to Montana or Idaho or wherever it is they came from. So. What gives? Is it me?

I’m fat. I know I shouldn’t dog myself to death about my weight, but all of my thin classmates seem to be employed at funeral homes already. I am definitely chatty and sometimes obnoxious, but only in public and never in an interview or work setting. I WANT to be a funeral director – I have to be professional all the time, and am totally capable of that. Maybe people see me differently? I don’t know.

All I know is that I feel trapped and freaked out, grovelling for jobs that are weekend days only, that pay $9.00 an hour. I interviewed at a first call place on Friday that promised to get back to me ASAP – they seemed really excited to interview someone who graduated the program. I went in my best suit, was on time, smelled nice, made eye contact, and said “I don’t mind working weekends, I don’t mind $9.00 an hour, oh you want to call me? Yes, please call me!” Of course they didn’t call. They just re-posted their job offer on craigslist on Monday instead. Obviously they are passing me up, hoping that they may find a better applicant. I don’t know what to do. I feel so discouraged. I’m extroverted, well spoken, and intelligent. People seem to like me and enjoy me in an interview setting. I make people chuckle, and seem to be respected and appreciated inside the building, but as soon as I leave am I what, forgotten?

Will I ever be a funeral director, or will I work at McDonalds for the rest of my life?

I hate to be so morose, but I’ve been applying for jobs and trying to make it work since last September. It’s been almost a year of school, testing, freaking out, struggling, graduating, and frantically searching for employment with not even a light at the end of the tunnel. Just this hopeless, endless blackness that I am fighting tooth and nail. I’ve applied everywhere, interviewed out of state, chatted on the phone, shown up and paid my dues and still, here I am.

Now what?

We’ll see, I guess.